Smiles

So it's been quiet awhile. I guess I've been so busy with work and being around friends and reading etc etc to vent lately.

Anywhoo, things have been well, usual. I love my friends/family, working for some pay, etc. Just usual I suppose.

I don't know how I feel about the world anymore. I think I've become numb to it. It's not worth caring. I love everyone until they cross me, hate everyone just the same.

I really don't have much to say, that's a first.  I just feel, bleh. I'm in a relationship with Brian now actually. He's great, but I don't know. I still don't feel happy 24/7 like usual. I think all relationships make me loose that 24/7 happiness, but without one I feel lonely from time to time. I guess life is a paradox locked inside an enigma that we can never understand.

On that note, I'm reading the Origin of Species. Thank you Darwin for putting creationism in it's place!

Fuck religion, all it causes is wars and hate and is a crutch for the week.

Bleh, I need to stop, my thought train is about the collide with the tide.

But no one is my equal, cause I'm the Queen of Pain =)

So me, being the dumb ass I am, after a few months of being happy and single, took a chance.

This is the first time I've felt depressed in a long fucking time, and it's because I took that chance. I'm never taking a chance on anyone again. I have no one to blame for my depression but myself.

MYSELF.

Because I'm still naive and still think human beings have some sort of value or morals. Guess I was wrong.

Fuck it all. Fuck the human race. It's just going to be me and my books for awhile.

I'm a happy person. A lot. I'm all fucking smiles anymore.

Yeah, my job was a pain in the ass the last two days. Worked a shitload of hours. But still, I enjoy it anyway. I love my coworkers and the atmosphere, score me!

I love my friends. They make me so goddamn happy I can't stress it enough.

I'm seeing Brian in October, I love him. He's amazing and makes me giddy.

Annnnnd I'm going to be living with Nicole (aka Pieogies) and Ryan in Pittsburgh, excited! Two hundred a month to live in Pittsburgh with cool people, hyped! I have to talk to Stephen about this tonight I just remembered.

Goddamn, I'm too happy to write anything too serious. Life is good, spectacular. I couldn't be any happier right now. Everything is going the way it should.

Thank Buddah for this new beginning. Ever since he left me I've been a happy and good person. I can finally say I like who I am.

BOOYA

I thought I was high but now I'm low maybe?

Time for surface value. I didn't do much last night, just hung out with my close friends. Same old, I suppose. Diner, cheese fries, and sleep.

Past the surface, I woke up and felt like crap. Not physical, just mental. I just feel like everything is crashing down. I know I'm a strong woman and can easily go it alone, but I'm starting to crave love and romance again. Finally, I lost that longing for awhile. Now I know that I'm ready for love and it sucks. Because I'm missing a piece again, to an extent. I'm such a moron. I need to let it all go.

I will never find love, there is no true love. Despite how I said the opposite while under the influence, I know sober headed that there isn't. It's just too depressing for me to admit. I don't know how people can be "lovers intwined" when they know it will all end. I want it to happen and not end, but we all know that's the optimist's dream.

Fucking a, I need love. I'm LL Cool J and I need that shit. Actually thinking about it, I don't need love. Just companionship that involves cuddling and such. I miss cuddling, I think that's what I really want. Someone to make me feel warm, both inside in out.

I think I just keep giving up more and more as the days pass.

"Out of gas, out of road, out of car I don't know how I'm ganna go!"

I'm out of gas, gimme some STEAM.

Adios.

So after the amazing time I ended up having on Friday with the show and all, I didn't think the rest of the weekend would measure up, but I was happily mistaken.

Basically, last night was great. Went to a show in Center Valley, met up with amazing people, and had a great party! Just Stephen, Tempestt, Brandon, Pat, Rudy, Nick, Scott, and I all at Stephen's house. We had basement mosh pits and just plain old fashioned fun. Brandon and I had a great chat and it was just the happiest way to end a night.

I woke up smiling!

First day of work today, good times. Look however you want, and just sell Halloween merchandise. Good stuff.

Now past the surface, let's go on to some thoughts.

I just feel, radical. I can't think of a better word. My friends are amazing and make me so damn happy. Ever since July I've been happy and smiling and just feeling so good. I just don't know how I ever lived the way I did for that year and a half. I could never do that again. I  just love my position right now, and maybe love will bloom with another for me? Who knows, either way, I'm happy. Fucking ecstatic. I'm just, I don't know, constantly smiling I think. Never really angry. Sometimes frustrated, but never angry. So I guess this section of my life thoughts goes out to my friends, for making my life so great. I love you all, forever! =)

Oh boy oh boy, amazing day.

First I get to see Tempestt and hang out, I haven't seen her in ages. It's great to catch up with old friends!

Then the show, oh glorious. Great friends, great music, great time.
Running around with Mr. Chris HIV and hiding from the fire alarm police haha, amazing. I love that kid, a lot. I miss him like hell, and am dragging him with me on my travels.

Oh gee, and the pits, and Haleigh riding me piggy back, fucking amazing.

I couldn't be happier right now. My head is all over the place when it comes to relationships though.  I want one, but not with just anyone. I have my eye on someone, but I doubt it'll happen. Oh well, I'm not settling for some douchebag ever again. I'm too happy with myself to go through that every again.

Oh boy, the toils. Love and war, and all is fair? Sounds like bullshit. I'm stuck here playing by the damned rules, the rules society and everyone else has set for me. I don't even know how to start.

Either way, all that matters is I'm happy with myself and my friends and couldn't be living a better life, unless that one person comes in it. But without that person, I'll live.

Goodnight, once and for all! Or is it?

So they say everything is eventual, isn't that the whole truth?

Well anyway, I suppose this will be the first entry in my "live journal saga". Writing is an amazing outlet to let all your feelings go, and this will help me in all ways. Plus, it's fun to look back and laugh at the past. Nicole has motivated me to start this, thank you sweetheart. I love you to death, always know that.

Anyway, back to life as a whole.

Where am I right now? Well I must say, this is an awkward point of my life. Artificially speaking, I just landed a job at the Halloween store in Whitehall. It should be fun, granted I can be myself, have my piercings in, and look however I feel for the day. I'm 18 and living at home, and haven't figured it all out yet. I graduated last year and was going to jump right into college, but decided it wasn't for me. I'll get to it eventually, when I get to the point in life where I want it.

Also, I'm leaving the state for a considerable amount of time, possibly eternity? On October 25th I'm leaving to go to Gainesville, Florida for the "Fest". I won't be back in Pennsylvania afterward, I'll be in Detroit. In my silly head, I think I'll find out there what I'm missing here. But in theory, isn't everywhere the same? Same people, just different names and genetics. Everywhere I go (new cities and whatnot), I meet people who remind me of my friends here back home. It's quiet amusing, having the same friend group in many different places. Oh well, it keeps me from ever being "homesick". I haven't found my home quiet yet.

What else might be going on in my silly head? Do you care? It's not for you, this is for me. Anyway, well I'm all over the place. I found out so much, I've matured extremely fast in the last few months.

I want to let out how I feel about my latest love. Jonathan leaving me was probably the best event that happened. After he left, I grew and matured and changed for the better a million fold. Being with him made me jealous, bitter, childish, and clingy. I haven't felt any of those feelings since getting over him. I loved him to death, and I'll always care about his well being. He's not a bad person, even though he left me at one of the worst and weakest times of my life, I can't say I think of him as a bad person. Just bad for me. I was crazy about him in the worse way. We were too caught up, moved too fast, and forgot our ages and situations. I enjoy talking to him every now and then, it makes it that much easier for me to not care. He's so different from me, so... stupid. I know it sounds cruel but I put on the blinders when I was with him. I'm happy it's over, I have my new life and it's amazing.

I've been having an amazing time. I left my horrible job, hang out with Stephen nearly everyday (one of the best people I've ever met!), and just live. I visited Pittsburgh for 5 days, I forgot what adventure was like. I met the wonderful Nicole amongst other great people. It just made me want to leave and see more, and I will very soon. It's exciting.

Tomorrow I will be seeing the Subhumans, World Inferno Friendship Society, Toxic Narcotic, and Witch Hunt with Stephen, my brother, and Haleigh. All amazing people and huge parts of my life. I couldn't be happier.

I need to rest, or something, rather than writing. See you next time, journal o' mine.